Amrit's Blog

You know when you don't want to be with someone, but you want to be with them forever.

School Gaming There was a time where I experienced probably the most fun inside lessons at school. It was twice a week, I believe it was a collective two hours across Tuesdays and Thursdays where it took place. We would all show up early, eagerly waiting for the teacher to unlock the one thing keeping us from true excitement. Once opened, we would all pile in, bags smashing into each other, unbothered heads colliding, and the teacher stepping pack the instant after turning the key - he knew the best thing to do was to move out the way, there was no stopping us. Anyway, we all sat down. We press the button. The screen blasts through a gradient from black to a blue hue in an instant yet it feels like seeing colour for the first time. We type in our password and username, open up chrome - and that's it, we were in. There’s something beautiful about playing games on the school computers. It had many parts, and was quite complex. The first of which, of course, was finding games to play....

Really confused about what I want to do with my life. I haven't found that thing yet, but I love learning, and that's good enough for now. But I have a feeling I am taking on too much, but I'll see how it goes. As long as I always strive and prosper, it should be fine, but it will be worth it.

I wrote my first proper personal statement today, and it was atrocious (both the process and the outcome), but I'll get better.

It was going to happen eventually; inevitably I would be separated from my friends and teachers. This is the only fact giving me some comfort, but still, I would prefer to delay the inevitable even for just 2 years. It's the classic case of logic versus emotion, and I know what I should do, and the choice is made, but I will still feel pain. I miss everyone so much, they were my family, and there are few I value as much as them. Seeing them all everyday made life bright even when it seemed dim. They helped me whenever I needed it, and supported me throughout my journey. Without them I would not be the man I am today. Thus, I feel guilty for leaving. But I feel like I know I have to. This decision was not made fast, it was the result of evaluating the situation, and there were simply too many unknowns. I am scared, I'll just say that. I will grow away from my closest friends, and that will kill me. I don't see an upside. They were so good to me. I kind of want to weep. The b...

At the crossroads distance is inevitable: a fact of life I really don't want to accept. To think the people I love and care for most will go from daily speakers to occasional catch-ups; I refuse to accept. I'll try my best to keep it the same. They have done so much for me, fundamentally changed me, made me a better person, helped me through the rough times whether they knew it or not. My fondest memories are tied to them. When you're at the crossroads, the only comfort is the fact that wherever you are, if you look back, the memories are still there. This goes out to some special people: - FlameToxin23 - ToxicDart (the OG Ash) - OnePiece_Real - GoatedAbdiS - Music_Connoisseur_21(As in Apollo) - MasterDG8 - WhatTheSigmaSkibidi101_NiceGuy - M.B - MA - MJ - JP - AF - HO - BMW Maestro - O - All those in M - A_Boon - ² - Silent but - S.L.M - GSS - And all the others who know who they are. Wish them all the best in all they do. Always strive and prosper knowing how much you have...

 The difference between OCD and being generally clean, at least for me, is the hypothetical; the subconscious fear of the elusive worst case scenario. I just walked into my house. I will take my shoes off right at the door. Why? I know I did not step on any dog poop. Well, maybe, I stepped on a little bit without knowing. Maybe, I stepped on dry bird poop without knowing and it did not stick to my shoe. Maybe, I stepped where someone else who stepped on dog poop once stepped. Maybe I stepped on dried spit. I know roads are never properly cleaned, so anything can be there. Therefore, just to be safe, I must assume everything is on my shoes. Thoughts like this used to keep me up at night. I would think endlessly, then run downstairs with cleaning products to free my mind. It wasn't fun. It often relapses, but the worst thing is, I have no idea where to draw the line. People don't like touching the handrails on public transport the same way I don't like sitting at home after s...

I've been gone a while, but I am working on something that is both controversial but necessary.

Controversy. The Monolith - New Emplemon video out now.

I've always known about the stages of grief, and I've known that the amount of time people spend in each stage differs drastically based off a variety of aspects; however, upon watching the excellent film "Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri", I realised these stages are not set in stone. Mildred Hayes remains in a limbo of all 5 stages, expressing anger, sorrow, and everything in-between during the her screen time. Above all else, this film taught me how grief ceases to be a sequenced and organised system for all. No matter how hard we try, aspects of the human psyche are so complex they cannot be quantified. Long time no speak, sorry about that. Good luck on everything and have a good day.

The Pam-Jim dynamic is so realistic and gut-wrenching in The Office (US). Anyway, have a nice day.

A bloody chest, splitting headache and what felt like a nail through my spine. You have probably read all of the news stories and seen all the insurance adverts of horrible accidents, and like me, the message of "it could happen to you" would only serve as a minor thought across a busy brain at best. Well, I lie here today as barely living proof that it is true. Anything can, and anything will happen. The weather was temperate as it had been for the past few weeks; the sun remained unbothered in its expanding sky, and the wind gently corressed the few hairs upon my temple... that's my last memory. I have been told I was in a coma for 3 weeks in a constant state of circadian unease, but I have no evidence to fortify this message, blind faith helps fill in the gaps. The room I was moved to was one of synthetic authoritarianism, designed to contain rather than to protect. The flourescence would mature a seedling in an instant like the hand of Saturn himself; but none of this...

I want to escape, to just get out and get away. I got God of War for £7, twas a bargain, I was playing it today and I killed a dragon. Believe me, the visuals are amazing, and the seamlessness of the transitions between gameplay and cutscenes are great. The game excels regarding combat, visuals, story and even puzzles to an extent. However, there is something wrong with the game I cannot quite put my finger on. Games now serve as my form of escapism. All media for me is escapism.

In the words of Michael Jackson, this is it. Have a great day; and dear Johnny, do it.

 This one goes out to my most frequent reader. I'm looking at you fiery toxic 32. I got an email from Google Adsense asking if I want to monetise; I said no, because that's not the point. I don't want to take money. I want to take people's time [insert evil laugh here]. Not really though, spend your time wisely. Here is a poem I love that is relevant: Gather ye rose-buds while ye may, Old Time is still a-flying; And this same flower that smiles today Tomorrow will be dying. The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun, The higher he’s a-getting, The sooner will his race be run, And nearer he’s to setting. That age is best which is the first, When youth and blood are warmer; But being spent, the worse, and worst Times still succeed the former. Then be not coy, but use your time, And while ye may, go marry; For having lost but once your prime, You may forever tarry. To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time By  Robert Herrick

 Why do film companies feel obliged to put children in their films for no other reason but engage younger fans. Why would parents let there children fight ghosts, dinosaurs and other threats. They always come up with some cliched roundabout response boiling down to "eh." And why do so many horror films feature little kids as the devil's incarnate or some force of obscene evil. Once was fine with the exorcist, but after that, it has just become an epidemic. I get it, children are meant to be innocent and this harsh juxtaposition exemplifies the unsettling nature of whatever the artistic vision is, but why so much. Also, Superman better be good, I lack hope however, as the trailer had so much going on. Pacing is an issue today. Just let me sit down and engage with the characters and see them develop beyond the point of "I was weak. I got knocked down. Take a pill of resilience. Montage maybe. Epic fight. Almost get knocked down. Realising family and friends have always...

 I don't enjoy video games very much anymore. The last time I felt truly excited was playing Shovel knight and that was over a year ago. It's strange, how something that was once so alluring and entertaining has simply become another mundane point in the timeline of my life. I like the mundane when I can control it. I wear the same clothes each day (I buy multiple versions of the same clothes and wear those, I'm not that unhygienic), and if I could, I would eat the same meals everyday. However, right now, out of my control, everything feels as if it is in slow motion.

 The Altered Beast soundtrack hits hard like Mike Tyson at a USADA conference.

Below I have left a very interesting film from 1974 starring Jon Voight. Stop reading now if you don't want spoilers. I don't like to use the word, but it simply was a very nice film. I thoroughly enjoyed every second of it. The protagonist, Pat Conroy, is a man seeking to redeem himself for his racist past, opting to teach the poor black children of the South. His methods, while unorthodox, aim to break the kids out of their struggle and give them ambition for the future. Their headmistress serves as the primary antagonist of the story, believing in obedience and discipline in an unfair world. It's a strange case where neither character is wrong, presenting the real protagonist as those who prohibit and support segration in education and wider society (personified by the Superintendent). However, the story never becomes aggressive, it remains tame with its message, revealing how life is full of beauty, and no one can take that away from you. There are many fond scenes in t...

There is something so fatalistic about GCSEs. The exam is over now, and there is nothing I can do about it, and you don't care, but I'm going to tell you what I wrote so you can give a forced "ok" or "that's good" so I can feel slightly better while showing off to others to validate my position in this world - I just don't understand why people do this. Don't try to estimate my age, I'm a 40 year old living in a small bungalow off the coast of West Africa.

 "I hope you had the time of your life"

I'm scared. It hurts. I'm not ready to say goodbye.

Death from the cold, not battle. No glory. No heroism. Just pain. The final stanza of Exposure is one of my favourite metaphors of all time: "Tonight, this frost will fasten on this mud and us,  Shrivelling many hands, and puckering foreheads crisp.  The burying-party, picks and shovels in shaking grasp, Pause over half-known faces. All their eyes are ice,  But nothing happens." Essentially, the government is the weather. The noun and modal verb reveal the certainty of being mercilessly frozen, losing faith in the natural world. But also, it reveals how pointless and innocent suffering at the hands of poor leadership is equally inevitable, these men have lost their faith in their nation and effort. Additionally, the irony of the frost fastening on the "mud" indicates how the government is willing to sacrifice and harm their own men, they simply do not matter, claiming whatever they please. Furthermore, the verbs "puckering" and "shivering" allude...

"With your feet in the air And your head on the ground"

When the only person reading your posts is you, you are free to be yourself fully and write anything. Talk about liberation, the shackles are broken and by my feet Lady Liberty. Also, I love my teachers so much, everything about how much they care. The person I am today is a result of their dedication and kindness. I've seen the Simpsons, and Edna Krabappel cares, in fact, she is one of my favourite characters of the show. Others include Skinner, Lisa, Grimes, Bob, Scorpio, Moe and Bart. Principal Charming is a heart-breaking episode, it breaks me everytime I watch it, but it's so real and impactful. I was watching Home Movies again yesterday, and I realised in Brendan's room is a poster saying: Some day I am going to get organisisisised with the letters drooping. Instantly, I realised, this show is for me. Taxi Driver reference, bring out Bickle because this show is talkin' to me. I mean, it must be, there's nobody else here. I entertain myself with these rambles. ...

Advertisements annoy me to new levels. I don't care if they make a service free, they are becoming increasingly predatory. Soon the dystopias of Fahrenheit four-fifty-one and Nineteen-eighty-four will be a reality. Sometimes I feel like I am going to crack like the protagonist in Falling Down, pulling out a weapon and holding those in charge to account for their malificence, I wanted to watch a nine second video on YouTube and I had to watch a twenty second ad. Usually the accepted principle has been jab,jab,jab punch - seventy-five percent content and twenty-five percent advertisement. What I endured was brutal mutilation and then a glance of pity. It was punch, punch jab. About seventy percent advertisement and thirty percent content. I would boycott if I could, but where else can I watch this content for free. I am trapped, and my ad-blockers keep getting flagged making this process even harder. But guess what, it doesn't matter because there are bigger problems in the world...

I really do love An Inspector Calls. In fact, I love English to the moon and back. It's my one of my favourite subjects; and even though I will not study it for A-levels, I will continue to do it in my free time following the curriculum. My favourite passtime is watching video essays, and whenever I am inspired, I write something, but I don't enjoy being forced. It is the same reason I do not want to do Film Studies, I love films more than any other medium, but I do not need to be educated formally to make films. All you need is a camera and a vision. Practice makes improvement - something one of my Math teachers once said which I will never forget. Anyway, English is the subject for me, and I will forever love it; for it is a subject of skill more than any other, and I intend to hone that skill for as long as possible. Writing my thoughts down here has become an avid part of my day, and I really enjoy it. I will continue, but I intend to write more meaningful pieces when my e...

I have some great friends and I am very grateful for them. I fear growing away from them; I want to spend time with them for longer than the current predetermined branched system of education allows, and I will try, but there is not much I can do. It's one of the things that bothers me most, but it makes every moment with them even more special.

I am watching Home Movies right now, and I love it. Now, I would like to write about a friend I have. I used to see him often, and we were friends. Over time, we became closer; and even though he left for a while, whenever he came back we would be even closer. I admire this person greatly, yet today I write not having seen them for years. I miss them, and I can see them, but I'm not sure if I should. It's complicated, but I just want to say I still think of them every once in a while and wonder how they are doing. I hope we can meet again soon. My favourite song to just consume me at the moment is In This Shirt by The Irrepresibles. It used to be Under Your Spell by Desire, but that song obliterates me. Waves is also a good one. Also, for some reason, Roman Reign's WWE entrance music makes me want to scream uncontrollably in excitement and raw power. Have a nice day. PS. I hate how people listen to music today and how the industry is treated. Mos Def's freestyles are gr...

Verbal diarrhoea is real people.

There is one sole person in this world who I despise. I won't name them of course, but I truly do regard them with abject pity. I have no respect for this person at all, they simply do not deserve it. I will be happy when I am away from them permanently; till then, I will try to avoid them as much as possible. I would speak with them, but there are some people in this world you simply cannot win an argument with. Writing with anger in my veins for the hours this person has taken from me; but it's almost over. 

I remember Wordle. It came out and became a huge worldwide phenomenon. Some random guy came up with the program based off the gameshow Lingo and it exploded. I think the New York Times bought the game and made it a part of their daily minigame selection. This is the version most people played, and everyone did indeed start playing it. It was kind of like when you watch a show weekly, and you go to school, and you missed an episode but everyone else spoils it for you; this was the case with Wordle. So most people just did Wordle in the morning. Each day a new word was picked, and soon, programs were made to identify the best possible strategy to maximise Wordle success by analysing dictionaries. I remember my strategy, it was: Flame Podgy Brick Shunt It gave me 20 / 26 letters and 2 guesses to win. It worked about 95% of the time. Over time however, this strategy became stale, proving the point of how developers need to protect players from themselves (https://youtu.be/7L8vAGGitr8). Tod...

I am going to write a very long and in-depth video essay on something.

My favourite aspect of any piece of media, whether it be stories, film, music or art, is character development. If there ceases to be any character development, if there are no consequences or changes in a character proceeding their past actions, I don't want to experience it. For example, I enjoy television shows like Amphibia, Gravity Falls, Home Movies and the Regular Show because I am not only entertained by the storytelling and dialogue, but also because I care about the characters and what will happen to them next. If a character is the same in every instance, why should I care, I know what will happen to them next; these characters are simply unnatural, and although realism is not at all a core aspect of media, consequences and change are fundamental aspects of storytelling. Even sitcoms such as the Simpsons have loose character development which can suffice. When I was a baby, I watched shows because of cool colours and pictures (like Pocoyo), but as I grew, I was introduce...